The Penultimate Blog
The Penultimate Blog
2011
As I progress in recovery and learn more about present moment awareness or mindfulness, I’m beginning to see how so much of the pain and suffering in my life was essentially self-inflicted. How I reacted and behaved was governed by my attitude, and my attitude was largely dictated by how my attention was focused.
When I was a practicing alcoholic, my attention was usually focused on something from the past or something I imagined in the future. Now I see that my attention had a “Bowtie” shape:
I spent a lot of time thinking about things that happened in the past. Specifically, I would think about “what went wrong” in the past. That thinking usually led me to resentment--of what other people “did to me” in the past; or it led to remorse--for what I did in the past. That past thinking generated negative emotions that led to anxiety and depression.
I also spent a lot of time thinking about the future. That thinking generally had the theme “what could go wrong in the future?” I could take the smallest incident, phrase or sign and project it out into some full-scale crisis or disaster in the future. My “blender brain” would spin for hours or even days, imagining all of the horrible things that might happen.
I spent almost all of my attention on “rehashing” the past or “rehearsing” the future. This “Bowtie” focus of my attention meant that I had very little attention left to focus on the present. I was too preoccupied with past or future to really perceive and experience what was going on in my life “right now.”
One of my most valuable lessons learned through treatment and recovery has been that I don’t have to waste my attention on past regrets and future fears. Through my 12-step work and mindfulness training, I’m looking to develop focus in a “Diamond” shape:
In “Diamond” thinking, most of my attention should be focused on “now.” That’s because “now” is the only time I can actually experience and the only place I can take action. I can connect to the past with gratitude for what happened, because it brought me to this “now.” If I look toward the future, it should be with faith that my will and my life are in God’s hands, not mine.
Living in “now” feels great! I experience everyday things so much more deeply. The taste of a bite of food, the sound of a bird singing, a conversation with a friend...all of these are richer and better when I’m fully present.
There is so much in recovery literature that encourages us to focus on today--”one day at a time.” I didn’t understand this very well when I first came into recovery. I learned that I could focus my attention on not drinking today, or even just this hour if need be, but I had no idea how little time I spent in “now” and how rewarding it could be to learn to live there.
So now, I try to remind myself to live a “Diamond” life. If I catch myself thinking about the past or worrying about the future, I can just gently tell myself “that is Bowtie thinking” and gently turn my attention to the present.
“Bowties” and “Diamonds”
4/14/11